His Preparation

Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” I know what you all must be thinking… why is a single girl writing on Ephesians 5:33? I thought the same thing for a bit before I began writing this. I asked God, what in the heck could I possibly say about this verse that had been on my heart, and then a conversation brought it to light. A couple of days ago I had a conversation with a guy I had previously dated. This man is a Godly and wonderful man and we had been having a hard time finding where the relationship went wrong, or at least putting it into words. The conversation picked up once again yesterday and it hit me. This man had spoken so much about how, at certain times, I was not respecting him and I realized that he was right. Not an easy thing for me to admit, but he was so right. When we would get into spats (which were rare) I would feel as though he did not care about my feelings and was not being sensitive to me at that moment. In turn I would call him a jerk and tell him he was acting insensitive. Now, he will admit at times he was insensitive, but I know I had some part in that. I had pushed him to a point that he was feeling so disrespected that he would put a wall up and turn cold. I was coming from a very selfish place, the flesh. I wanted what I wanted at that moment. Now that I have called myself out, here is where this stemmed from. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the author of Love and Respect and his wife, Sarah, joins him as part of the Love and Respect Conferences that tour the United States. In his book, you learn that Ephesians 5:33 is the foundation of a successful marriage. A woman longs and desires to be loved and a man desperately wants and craves respect. But when a woman does not respect her husband, he does not show her the love she desires and when a man does not show the woman the love she wants she does not respect him. It’s a vicious and never ending cycle or has Dr. Eggerichs calls it, the “crazy cycle”. Now, we can all see how not understanding this can kill a marriage and we can see how knowing and understanding these principals can save a dying marriage, but what about from a dating perspective? I was not married to the man I spoke about earlier but I still see the cycle of no love or respect. Even though this man and I never got to the place of saying “I love you”, there is still a sense that a woman wants to feel cared for, thought of and loved in some way and the man craves to be respected by the girl he is dating. It seems to me that in order to have a successful marriage this principal of love and respect should be learned well before the marriage covenant is entered into. In the end, it could save a lot of heart ache and put divorce attorneys out of business. For the next part of this I am going to address girls and guys separately. Ladies… you’re up! Girls: I know the feeling… why show a man respect if he doesn’t show you love and doesn’t deserve that respect? Well first off, and I have to go here, the Bible says so. “… and the wife MUST respect her husband.” Sorry ladies, God says to respect your husband even though he may not deserve it. It says in 1 Peter 3:1-2 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Being submissive is a way of showing respect for them not a way of losing who you are. If we do not respect them, they will become cold, stand-offish and begin to have a hardening heart. A man with a hardened heart cannot love you, or if you haven’t said those words yet, cannot be sensitive to you and show affection. When I begin to think about it, we kind of set the tone for the relationship. Men are NOT emotional creatures. God made them to lead, be strong, be protective and be supporters. Men can tend to lack or forget that sensitivity and affection are up there on our lists. When we show them affection, sensitivity and, most of all, respect it allows them to let their walls down a bit more and more every day. I can tell you a very specific time I was not respecting the man I was seeing. This man is a wonderful and Godly man, but has not always been the best at communication. Well, we got into a small spat one evening and five words came out of his mouth that pierced my heart, “You are not respecting me!” It was like a dagger to my heart. All I wanted to do was show this man how much I cared and how I wanted to be there for him, but the timing was all off for that. I was not respecting his space or his need for private time. Instead of looking at it from that perspective, I yelled right back, “You are just being a jerk and are being so insensitive to me and what I need!” Reading that now I am ashamed to say I thought that, but what’s even worse is that I said that to this man. I didn’t listen to many Proverbs, such as: Proverbs 10:19 “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” Proverbs 12:4 “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” Proverbs 21:19 “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.” One of my desires is life is to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and acting like I did, I will never have that desire I so long for. Girls, we can tend to have so much pride that respecting a man is not the easiest thing to do. But when we soften our hearts and put pride out of the picture, just wait until you see the transformation in the man that you are married to or dating. Guys: A woman wants to feel loved. A woman wants to feel affection. A woman wants to know that you care. A woman wants to know that you will provide and protect her. A woman wants to feel desired. A woman wants to feel as though she is the most important person in your life outside God. Does that help? Probably not, but I know most men enjoy a good list so I figured I would type one out for you. Women desire love. We thirst for it. We dream of it. We long for it. We desire to feel affection and compassion. We want to feel just as cared for as well care about you. The reality is we also know that you are not the best at showing it. And we now know that when we don’t respect you that it is less likely we will see the softer side of you. Since I am not an expert on men, all I can say is try to show us the softer side of you, even when our showing you respect tends to slip a bit from time to time. I’ve never focused on dating as I write, but God truly put that verse on my heart. I had to take a step back and think how many time I didn’t respect the man I was dating and what was the reason behind it. Most of the time it had to do with the fact that he was not being sensitive and compassionate. But now I think about why he was not being that way. God truly opens your eyes to things that you didn’t even know you weren’t seeing. Now that I see the pattern I am able to take what I have learned and put it into practice as I inch closer to my desire of being a Proverbs 31 woman. My question to you today is, girls, are you respecting the man you are married to or dating and guys, are you showing love and compassion to the woman you are married to or dating? Ask God to reveal what is in your heart about love and respect. Girls, ask God to give you soft and kind words, I ask that all the time. Guys, ask God to soften your heart in the places you know have stonewalls around. I pray that hearts soften for each of us through God’s unconditional love for us. I pray that you will be able to humble yourself before the Lord and apologize to that person you have disrespected and/or not shown love and compassion to. I will leave you with a verse I have repeated many many times, including before I would knock on the door of a certain man’s apartment back in the day. It’s Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Praying for you my sweet friends! In Him and For His glory! P.S. This is my heartfelt apology.